Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Dial it down a bit, Yosemite Sam.

So I work at a place of business selling computers and software solutions to (sometimes) not so grateful customers. Today when I got to work I had this beaut waiting for me in my inbox not just once but THREE times! The jerk off had sent me this email twice back to back then a third time in all bold and italics! Intimidating.

"Since you nor any of a multitude of [your] people have refused to resolve my issue with this order and my request for reimbursement of funds expended to set up the tower that was never received, I am advising you that I am cancelling the above order. I will also pursue a law suit to expose the shoddy and uncaring attitude that [your] employees have exhibited with respect to the issues at hand. I will also advise you that I have placed a hold on any credit card charges that [your company] may have charged my credit card account until such time as the reimbursement of the out of pocket expense is resolved. I am writing to you since no one else in your organization has seen fit to give me a direct phone line or email address to write to with respect to this cancellation. If for any reason the [computer] Tower shows up at my office I have instructed my people to refuse delivery and to send the package back to you. I cannot tell you how difficult it has been to deal with you and your company, but most of all your totally uncaring support people. I will make it my business to expose your business tactics to all who will listen. I have waited for 7 days for someone to call me with respect to the issues at hand and that has not happened. The only communication was a mechanized phone call advising me that the delivery date for the [computer] Tower was expected to be 07/01/2011. You yourself advised me that I should not have ordered the [computer] Tower and that I should have been given the opportunity to cancel and reorder something that was in stock and could be readily shipped. You even offered to have a person in your department call me to arrange this . This conversation took place 06/28/2011, she never called and I called you on three occasion to find out why."

I had been dealing with this guy a bit the day before so it wasn't a total shock to me but as I started reading his email, the first thing that jumps out at me was the threat to pursue legal action against this Fortune 50 computer company! (Hint: it rhymes with bell and they make computers). Do you not think this company has some VERY powerful lawyers and they don't have written clauses specifically to cover theirs ass in case an order gets delayed like this one? In fact, if you would have listened a little more closely when you placed your order with me I am required to read off a little diddy to every person I sell to. In case you forgot it, I have it memorized and it goes a little something like this: "Although we do anticipate a delay in your order we cannot guarantee these shipping dates because occasionally we run into unexpected delays in manufacturing. We would not expect any delay to extend beyond 30 days from the date of your order." BOOM! Lawsuit dismissed.

As for your claim, "you yourself advised me that I should not have ordered the [computer...]," this might fall under the same umbrella as "not listening to me closely enough." At the time we placed the order I obviously did not know this would be delayed otherwise I would have suggested a different system and avoided having any further contact with you in the future. When we spoke the second time, I was merely suggesting that instead of waiting on this delayed system to ship out we can look at a different system that is built up and ready to ship out the door to you right away. So much for me trying to help...

So often these customers are so mad they dont even want to listen to what I have to say. Hell! They don't even want my help, they just want to yell at me until I agree with them then yell at me some more because they think they have been right all along. Sorry, but I don't have time to play those games. Every minute that goes by I am held accountable for making X amount of dollars toward my exhorbant monthly sales quotas. So if you think a threating email or voicemail is going to get my attention, chances are I won't respond until the end of the day or even the next when I have time to deal with your antics. Dial it down a bit there, Yosemite Sam...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Who says men don't daydream about their wedding day?

So I think I have settled on a destination wedding in Phuket, Thailand - Aladdin themed.

Invitations will be mailed out; however, each will include a homing pigeon instead of a stamped envelope for RSVPs.

To help combat Thailand’s warm and humid climate, the wedding party will be decorated with body paint instead of the traditional stuffy tuxedos and heavily ruffled dresses.

During the ceremony I will ride in on an elephant to the Disney theme song of “Prince Ali.”

My wife-to-be will be carried in on a palanquin by 4 of the local slaves to the theme song of “Arabian Nights.”

The ring bearer will be a capuchin monkey wearing a human mask.

The flower girl will be decided pending tryouts of which local child has the best belly dancing skills.

We will read our own vows to each other from memory as they are simultaneously displayed on a big screen projector for the audience. During this presentation, as the vows are being read, they will imitate the same scrolling crawl as the opening words in the Star Wars sagas while being backed by the gentle hum of George Michael’s Careless Whisper.

We shall be wed in the Gaelic tongue by a hairless midget (or he can be albino, it really doesn’t matter as long as he is unique in some way).

Guests are urged not to bring presents but instead adopt 1 to 2 oriental or South African babies (one of each would be ideal) and bring them to the wedding to experience a little bit of the American culture.

The reception would be held in a completely blacked out dining/dancing area encouraging guests to heighten all of their senses and experience a night without sight.

Drinks and hors d'Ĺ“uvres will be a mixture of local fare picked up at the market earlier that day and will include a variety freshly butchered meats. A sow & cow buffet of sorts.

The evening will culminate with a fireworks display as my supermodel bride and I ride off into the distance on a Persian carpet rigged to look as if it is flying.

We will use Cirque Du Soleil stilt performers to walk around and juggle burning torches in order to help hide the guide wires of the rug.

As a token of our gratitude in sharing our special day, all guests will receive an iPod shuffle preloaded with various songs from Lil Wayne and Owl City.