Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Who says men don't daydream about their wedding day?

So I think I have settled on a destination wedding in Phuket, Thailand - Aladdin themed.

Invitations will be mailed out; however, each will include a homing pigeon instead of a stamped envelope for RSVPs.

To help combat Thailand’s warm and humid climate, the wedding party will be decorated with body paint instead of the traditional stuffy tuxedos and heavily ruffled dresses.

During the ceremony I will ride in on an elephant to the Disney theme song of “Prince Ali.”

My wife-to-be will be carried in on a palanquin by 4 of the local slaves to the theme song of “Arabian Nights.”

The ring bearer will be a capuchin monkey wearing a human mask.

The flower girl will be decided pending tryouts of which local child has the best belly dancing skills.

We will read our own vows to each other from memory as they are simultaneously displayed on a big screen projector for the audience. During this presentation, as the vows are being read, they will imitate the same scrolling crawl as the opening words in the Star Wars sagas while being backed by the gentle hum of George Michael’s Careless Whisper.

We shall be wed in the Gaelic tongue by a hairless midget (or he can be albino, it really doesn’t matter as long as he is unique in some way).

Guests are urged not to bring presents but instead adopt 1 to 2 oriental or South African babies (one of each would be ideal) and bring them to the wedding to experience a little bit of the American culture.

The reception would be held in a completely blacked out dining/dancing area encouraging guests to heighten all of their senses and experience a night without sight.

Drinks and hors d'Ĺ“uvres will be a mixture of local fare picked up at the market earlier that day and will include a variety freshly butchered meats. A sow & cow buffet of sorts.

The evening will culminate with a fireworks display as my supermodel bride and I ride off into the distance on a Persian carpet rigged to look as if it is flying.

We will use Cirque Du Soleil stilt performers to walk around and juggle burning torches in order to help hide the guide wires of the rug.

As a token of our gratitude in sharing our special day, all guests will receive an iPod shuffle preloaded with various songs from Lil Wayne and Owl City.